With some, your soul will just dance. Whether a season or a lifetime you will come across people that in the moment you had them they sang their song a little louder, and you listened a little closer. The puzzle of their life would likely never fill the frame of yours, but for the brief moment you had them, it will have been electric. It’s a touch you won’t ever give up remembering and a season you won’t soon forget. Their soul becomes yours to cherish, to savour like sweet candy, and to walk along with for as long as time allows. It’s the memories that casts a smile yet retrievea dull ache. It’s the yearn for fingers intertwined and one last kiss. It’s goodbyes that bear burdened for as soon as the dance is finished, time urges another to begin.
My soul has a way of telling me when something is off. My soul is persistent, but patient. When needed, she makes herself known on the daily. She waits for when my body and mind will finally become agitated enough by her silent, yet prominent presence so much that the only response is to sit down and be quiet; to hear her whisper of what she needs.
Lately, I have found myself falling asleep later. I’ve found myself laying in bed awake for much longer than my tired eyes will usually allow. I’ve been swallowing selective thoughts that have been fighting to surface for fear I might not like what they say. I have been avoiding writing.
This is my soul telling me one thing – ‘you are anxious.’
Whether you know me personally or not, I’ve talked about this before. I am a dreamer. Reality doesn’t weigh me down when my dreaming can pull at me with delight. Dreaming keeps me moving forward. It keeps me positive. It drives me towards a goal and ensures I entertain possibility, even when my reality speaks otherwise.
That is not to say I don’t get a little carried away sometimes. See when dreams are all consuming, its hard not to become just that – consumed. You start living in a environment of someday; where realities of goodbyes, or heart ache don’t exist. You start to process relationships, your job, the context of your life as it is right now differently, because your dream speaks otherwise. You start replacing what is, with what you wish will be. And then – although your future is seemingly flourishing before you, your present suffers.
In the space of my spirituality, I’ve been asking God a lot lately “Where are you?”. I think today God got tired of me asking this question and bit back with a soft, yet intentional question of “Where are YOU?” It definitely got me thinking. It humbled me. I have be so consumed with a future that might not even occur and have forgotten to be present in what and who I actually am right now. I’ve forgotten that I can’t get to any dream, anywhere, anytime, without saturating myself in everything I need to learn and experience now –
– in the only moment I am actually promised.
So what did my spirit need to say?
I need you to sit longer.
I need you to breathe deeper.
I need you to keep dreaming, but don’t forget what you mean to this moment.
I need you to learn who you are now, in order to learn who you need to become later.
and just relax. You will be carried through.
I too have Diabetes and do not want a single person feeling bad for me because of this disease. If anything I want people to fight for me. To be aware for me.
There is something you need to understand. Diabetes picked the wrong person with both you and I. It was this diseases own error in picking people who are made of something else.
In my own experience and circumstance, Diabetes is the most impatient, un-forgiving, un-relenting, confusing and time consuming disease. It runs on no time line other than the one most inconvenient to you.
I know it exhausts you. I know that if I let it, it can keep me up at night solution-less, burdened and afraid of what it might do to me. It has the ability to poison me with “can’t” and choke any intention I might have to try.
If I let it.
I believe Diabetes gives people the opportunity to be more than they ever could be without it. I believe there is a tenacity within people that can only be exposed when life get a little (or a lot) harder than we expected.
Every day we get up, Diabetes and all – we make the decision to keep going. If Diabetes is impatient, it has made me more willing to wait it out. If it is un-forgiving, it continually teaches me grace towards self and others. It makes me relentless. It makes me sure. The time I have becomes more valuable. I make the choice to exist on a time line of determination – a time line that although twists and turns in every imaginable direction – never, ever ceases.
I don’t let this disease define me. And I don’t want it to define you either. You are worth so much more than you know and have so much more to offer than what Diabetes could ever take from you.
It’s Thursday night. We sit casually in Megan’s Jeep, music faded behind our banter. The coffee shop is closed but our desire to converse bleeds long past business hours. It feels good to catch up, to encourage one another in our endeavors and to soak up the details of someone else’s journey besides our own. We are dreamers – walking in and out of reality – all of which is current, to all of which we might someday be.
And then it hit me.
I could spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, restlessly – relentlessly trying to empower people. There is something sown so deeply into my very being that yearns to make people believe they can.
I would be so completely content to exhaust myself if it meant taking you from a place that lacked hope or efficacy to a place of complete confidence in everything you are and are becoming.
You see, there’s this thing about me. It has the power to consume me with passion or the power to drown me in disappointment. And it is completely ruthless in pulling me either way.
The thing about me is; I see potential. In it’s most raw and truest form I see people for everything they have the opportunity of becoming. My mind doesn’t feel the need to register reality – what is happening right now. It dreams, over and over again of what might be, and when head and heart combined – potential and empowerment become the perfect storm of both beauty and beast.
Lately, it feels i’ve been let down and disappointed a lot more than not. There have been people in my life that no matter how much I give them, no matter how much I try to make them see themselves like I do, they just don’t get it. And that’s life. Although an incredibly hard pill for me to swallow, I know my inability to reach some people isn’t a reflection on my ability to empower others. This is just a display of my incapability to perfect – a task I could never want nor achieve.
Friday morning woke me. The ebbs and flows of regular routine were unappealing. With my morning coffee in hand I walked directly to my bedroom closet. I pulled out every last scarf, shoe, dress, memory box or belt that existed within it on a mounding (and much too large) pile on my bedroom floor. It will take me a bit – to weave my way through each and every item. But I realize the metaphor in this task. To pick up each item, to register its potential and to decide whether it’s appropriate to let go of or whether it is worth continuing to pursue.
If we reap what we sow, then I will sow true possibility. I will pick potential that desires to move forward as much as I do, to walk in the wake of some alluded reality where we all become what we dreamed we would always be.
If while I am drowning in disappointment, I am merely preparing for life, for some other potential to consume me with passion somewhere right around the corner.